I am writing a screenplay.

I have no formal writing training, and I'm learing how to format from an old book of Tarantino scripts. I have 7 different scripts i want to write outlined, and I've picked this one to be my first. I posted a ROUGH opening and closign elsware in the forum as stand alone scenes. I have no idea if I what I want to say will translate on paper, but I'm going to try.
From time to time I want to post some scenes and see what people think.

I myself began writing a screenplay, early last summer. I was about 70% finished when i realized that I loved to describe certain scenes way too much. So I stopped writing the screenplay and am now in the process of writing it as a short story. Or short novel? I don't know.

I was torn about wrinting in script or book form, but I really have no idea how to structure a book, so I figured a screenplay would keep me on track better.
But I understand what you mean.

haha I don' t know how to write it in book form either.

All I did was read "Blood Meridian" by Cormac McCarthy that same summer, and I noticed how choppy his narrative was and how description plays a big part. I have a linear story though, but I'm adding that same descriptive style.

Not sure I know what I'm doing, but I'm just writing it to get it out.

my favorite is Stephen King, so it's lofty to try and emulate his style. I found when I tried to write in book for I was getting lost myself when I tried to read it.
With the script I think I get my dialog to make more sense.

I am 16 scripted pages in, and I am stuck. I have a end, but don't know how to get there. this is so hard:(

Part of the fun is being stuck. Because you know never know when an idea will come.


What's it about?

it's about a bunch of guys that went to high school together. three of the 4 decide to break into the 4th ones house and force the father to give them money or they are gonna kill everybody. that is kind of the "up front" story, but there is lot of other things going on. past catching up with you, decisions made years ago, regrets, and a little bit of revenge for the things you have allowed to be done to you. It's set almost 10 years after high school, so there is some about how and why their little group went their seperate ways, and such...
sounds boring when I write it down like this...

the most important part of screenwriting is economy. the best scripts have no space wasted, and every line is necessary. some script i would reccommend reading:

chinatown
amadeus
adaptation
network
shawshank redemption
rushmore

it also helps to go through TV episodes and try and turn them into scripts as you watch. it sounds easy, but it really blows your mind how much information is crammed in there.

also i learned this and many people echo this idea, but don't expect your first script to be great. you may think it is, but a few more scripts later and you realize how behind you were.

My advice would be this: On your first run through, just write what spills out of your head. I think you will find that you spend more time on descriptions than on dialog. On the second pass concentrate on ONLY the dialog. Your next 42 write-throughs are up to you.

I read goodfellas, pulp fiction, jaws, and reservoir dogs, fight club and I am going to read shawshank. Not this one, but the next one is going to have a narrator.

That one is going to be on a much larger scale than this one. In this one they never leave the house it takes place in.

here is a version of the opening...feedback would be cool..can it be followed, etc.

Fade In
Music Cue:

INT. MOVING CAR – DAWN

A black late model Ford Mustang is traveling down the highway. The driver is a young man with a shaved head and sunglasses on. He is drinking a coffee in between shifting gears. The radio is up loud and the windows are down.

NARRATOR
My name is Eddie. I didn’t plan on driving up to Massachusetts over my vacation, but when my aunt Susan calls and wants me to come and visit that is what I do. My parents died when I was seven, and Auntie Sue took me in. She called me two weeks ago and laid out the plan. It only took a few sentences to convince me to skip the annual July 4th trip to Phoenix and come north instead, one of them being “Home made apple pie.”
It’s been six years since I graduated and left. I’m looking forward to seeing some old friends, and helping Aunt Sue get some chores done around the house.

INT. PARKED CAR – MORNING

Three men are sitting in the car on a dirt path watching the goings on in a house across the street. The car is hidden by thick pine trees, but the men have picked a good sight line to see the living room, kitchen, and front entrance without leaving the car. In the driver’s seat is Kyle, a twenty-something in faded Pearl Jam tee. Next to him is Stan, around the same age, it a plain black tank top. In the back seat is Eric, he is a bit younger than the other two boys. He also has a band shirt too faded to make out who it used to be. The two boys in the front are taking turns looking at the house across the street with a pair of binoculars.


KYLE
When he leaves we go around the side and hop the fence. I bet you money the back door is unlocked.

STAN
What if it’s not?

KYLE
Then we kick in it. There isn’t a house for a half fuckin mile.

STAN
What if the alarm is on?


KYLE
(Looks at Stan dumbfounded)
They are home you fuckin idiot. How is the alarm on with them all walking around?

STAN
(Realizing that was a stupid question)
Ok, what about the dog?

ERIC
(Concerned)
Brody? He is a great dog, he won’t hurt us, don’t do anything to him, he will be fine

KYLE
Alright baby brother, we won’t hurt the dog, I wouldn’t want you to call PETER on us.

ERIC
It’s P-E-T-A.

Kyle looks back at Eric. Eric looks down at the floor sorry for correcting his big brother.

KYLE
Dear old Dad should be leaving in a couple hours. Once he goes we have like three hours to get the house locked down before he gets back. Once he comes in its going to take more than one of us to take him down.

STAN
(Reaching into his pocket)
I got this.

Stand produces a taser from the front pocket of his oversized jeans.

STAN
I found it in the glove compartment of that Audi I broke into.

Stan presses the trigger, electricity snaps on, and crackles. The three boys jump, startled by the sound.

KYLE
(Smiling)
I knew I brought you for a reason. Save that for the father. Don’t hit any of the girls with it. We are going to need to for the big guy.

STAN
(Patting the back pack at his feet)
I have the gloves, zip ties, and the bungee cords, and the pillow cases

ERIC
You have to be careful this that thing, too much will kill somebody.

Kyle reaches over the seat like he is going to hit Eric. Eric flinches. Kyle picks up another back pack that was sitting on the seat next to Eric. He opens it, reaches in and pulls out a rather large hand gun.

KYLE
(Smiling)
The stun gun is the least of his problems.

Kyle reaches into his bag and pulls out a second HAND CANNON and tosses it to Stan. He reaches in for a third gun, a much smaller revolver. He checks to make sure it is NOT loaded, and tosses it over his shoulder to Eric. Eric looks at the gun, and then looks at his brother not understanding.

KYLE
They will be shitting themselves Eric, just keep them scared, and they will never even notice you don’t have bullets.

its sad how true this is

I have worked on a couple scripts for some of my friends' projects, so these are my impressions from a very very (very) limited background.

I think you need some transition from Eddie to the brothers. It's not really clear how the two are connected. I think the narration maybe should be a little longer before you cut to somewhere else.

There are a couple typos I noticed, too:




I think you're off to a good start, though. I like the narration and I like the the interplay with the brothers. Overall, the language works so that's a big plus to build on (maybe the most important one). Good luck!

thanks for this.

The brothers & Eddie arn't connected yet, so I guess that works.

I have another 10 pages done. I'll post some more later.

thanks again.

did you purposely name them Stan Kyle and Eric?

no.

but i think I'm going to keep it.

I noticed that, too- but I figured it was intentional

CONTINUED....

INT. HOUSE – KITCHEN TABLE - MORNING

There is lots of movement in the Kintner house this morning, and a beautiful house it is. Each room has high ceilings, and a very open floor plan. All the furniture and fixtures look too nice to touch. The floor is hard wood, and all the kitchen appliances are matching stainless steel. There is a large black lab asleep in the corner on its doggie bed. Sue and Roy Kintner are trying to coordinate the day’s activities while daughters Debbie and Kelly are getting ready for their long day of doing nothing. Debbie has her friend Allison over for the weekend. She too is eager to do as little as possible.

SUE
Debbie! Kelly! Get back here and clean off this table. The dishwasher isn’t going to load itself.

Debbie and her friend Allison immerge from the screened in porch just off the kitchen. They are both wearing bikini tops and jean shorts. Roy glances up from his morning paper at Allison as she leans over the table to pick up her dirty dishes. Allison notices.

DEBBIE
Mom, where is Kelly? I’m not picking up her mess!


SUE
(Looking into the living room, aggravated)
Kelly! Come help your sister.

There is no movement from the living room. Sue gets up from the table and looks in to see what is going on. Kelly lying on the floor on her stomach with her legs in the air. She is wearing head phones, and has her head buried in the lap top on the floor in front of her. Sue decides the fight won’t be worth it and goes back to the table and clears Kelly’s dishes for her.

DEBBIE
(Disgusted)
I’m going to start wearing my headphones all day and not have to do anything around here either.

SUE
Shut up Debbie, you know the crap I’ll have to put up with.

DEBBIE
(Smiling an evil smile)
Yes, I do.

Debbie walks into the living room, flops down next to Kelly like she is interested in what is going on, and presses her thumb onto the reset button until the computer goes blank, erasing whatever it was Kelly was working on. Kelly SCREAMS like she has been shot. At the same time she takes a wild swing at Debbie who has already rolled away in anticipation.

KELLY
(Screaming as loud as she can)
MOM! That fuckin bitch shut…

As soon as it registered with Roy what he had heard…

ROY
KELLY!

That is all Roy had to say. Kelly froze in her tracks, turned around, picked up her lap top and stomped up stairs with tears running down her cheeks.

DEBBIE
(To her mother)
You let her talk to you like that?




ROY
(Without looking up from his paper)
Debbie, you say another word and you will be taking a bus wherever you go for the next year.

Debbie and Allison head back out through the screened in porch and into the back yard. The yard is fenced it, and has an in-ground pool with a diving board and a slide. Beyond the pool is another thirty yards before the fence. The grass is lush green, and manicured to perfection. To the left is a built in grill with a stone benches and a stone table. The two girls take towels off the back of the lawn chairs sitting near the pool; lay them out in the grass. They remove their jean shorts and start tanning. Debbie is lying on her back, Allison in her stomach. Once lying down Allison unclips her bikini top, pulls it out from under breasts and puts it down beside her towel.

DEBBIE
Are you coming with us to the game tomorrow?

ALLISON
No. I’m going to be here.

DEBBIE
(Confused)
Here, as in right here on your towel?

ALLISON
(Smiling)
No. Here as in here at your house.

DEBBIE
(Still Confused)
Why?

ALLISON
(Smiling bigger)
Because

The wheels in Debbie’s head start turning, and she has a moment of realization.

DEBBIE
How did you know Eddie was coming?

ALLISON
(Giggling)
I heard your mom talking to Kelly last weekend.


DEBBIE
(Getting mad)
Is THAT why you wanted to camp out here this weekend?

ALLISON
No, I’ve really been wanting to spend more time with you. It “just so happens” that Eddie-spaghetti will be here too.

DEBBIE
(Not really mad anymore)
Girl, you have been chasing him since you were fourteen and he was sixteen. He didn’t look at you then, what makes you think he is gonna look at you now?

Allison flips from her stomach to her back and grabs a breast with each hand and squeezes.
ALLSION
Well, I didn’t have THESE when I was fourteen!

DEBBIE
(Shocked)
Oh my god Al! My dad is still home! Turn back over!

ALLISON
(Now stretching her arms over her head)
It’s not like your daddy hasn’t seen boobs before.

DEBBIE
AL!

ALLISON
You are uptight. I think I’m going to lay here just like this till Eddie comes through that gate.

DEBBIE
Can’t there be one male in this town that hasn’t seen your chest?

ALLISON
That little shit set me up! Letting me change in his room. I should have stuffed that webcam up his ass.

DEBBIE
It has improved your social ranking…

Allison turns back over.



INT. HOUSE – UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

Roy Kintner has just finished watching the poolside show from behind his mini-blinds. He walks over to the computer, flips on the monitor and sits down.