One aspect of the Italian neo-realist movement that I have always loved is the concept of working reality into film. This script incorporates things happening today into a high-octane tale of greed and adventure. It's called PAID SPOKESPERSON.


PAID SPOKESPERSON
by bart d.

BLACK SCREEN: Two words thrust themselves at us with explosive force: PAID SPOKESPERSON. They fade, leaving us in TERRIFYING DARKNESS. Gradually, a HORRYFYING ROAR builds, until:

INT KITCHEN: BILLY MAYS is having an EXPLOSIVE CORONARY.

BILLY MAYS:
BWWARRAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!


BILLY MAYS' WIFE, from offscreen:
Billy, dear, are you ok? You're screaming less than you normally do during breakfast.

BILLY MAYS:
Having...heart...attack. Please....You must tell Wilf......Ugh.

BILLY MAYS' body goes limp and falls to the floor. A SINGLE TEAR rolls down his bearded cheek and onto a bottle of RAT POISON which has obviously been put into his breakfast.

PAN TO BILLY MAYS' WIFE, who has entered the room. She screams. The camera zooms into her mouth, the sound of her scream growing louder until the camera pans back, and we discover it is the EXPLOSIVE LAUGHTER of DAKOTA FANNING. We have been rocketed across the globe to a bucolic mountain town in an unspecified location.


WILFORD BRIMLEY:
Come on, DAKOTA FANNING. We have to eat these CHOCOLATE SUNDAES before it's time to FROLIC with those DEER over there.

QUICK CUT to a DEER, then CUT BACK to DAKOTA

DAKOTA FANNING, chortling:
Oh, dad. I only with mother were here with us. But she has died, alas.

WILFORD BRIMLEY, solemnly:
That bastard DIABEETUS. I kept telling her. Check your blood sugar. But she never listened. The day she died I vowed to conquer the scourge, and dedicated myself to ensuring people never have to go through what I did. But I have retired, now, and as you know I am living out my years here in this IMPOSSIBLY IDEAL hamlet. Feeding deer and whatnot. With you, my daughter.

DAKOTA FANNING, nodding:
Indeed.

Suddenly, Brimley SNIFFS THE AIR, HURLS DAKOTA FANNING under the table, and produces a BOWIE KNIFE from beneath his mustache.

PAN to a group of soldiers. From amongst them, a leader emerges. He is BURT REYNOLDS.

BURT REYNOLDS:
Umm, hey Wilford. I thought we should just come up to you but the other guys wanted to sneak up.

WILFORD BRIMLEY:

I know. I SMELLED them saying that. I could have killed you at any point.

BURT REYNOLDS:
Oh. Oh! Uh, right. Anyway, something bad is going down.

WILFORD BRIMLEY:
Well it doesn't involve me! I'm living in retirement, with my daughter. She's under this very table.

REYNOLDS, clearly uncomfortable:
Uhh....


SUDDENLY, someone else SMASHES THROUGH the group. It is MICHAEL JORDAN.

MICHAEL JORDAN:
Look motherfucker, someone is taking out the whole gang. And if you don't help us out, all our asses are next!

BRIMLEY:
I heard about ED MCMAHON. Shame.

JORDAN:
It goes deeper than that, compadre. Remember Vince Shlomey?

BRIMLEY:
The SHAMWOW guy? He got busted for beating up a hooker, then disappeared.

JORDAN:
Oh, he disappeared all right. He disappeared real fucking good. Nobodies seen him since he made bail. He was bailed out by a mysterious group known as THE NEW GENERATION. The same day he was last seen, the hooker who filed the charges was revealed to be a known alias of an underground gun runner named CARLOS MANUEGO. And who do you think he sold his gear to? The Next fucking Generation, that's who.

BRIMLEY:
Oh my god.

REYNOLDS:
Umm, that's right. First Shlomey. Then McMahon. Then Michael Jackson.

JORDAN:
He was only with us briefly, when he went with Pepsi for a while, but the man could fucking sell.

REYNOLDS:
Then, ah, this morning. Billy Mays.

DAKOTA FANNING, from under the table:
No! Not Billy, it isn't true!

BRIMLEY:
Oh my god.

REYNOLDS:
That's right, Wooley. And if we don't band togeth-

Suddenly, with AWE INSPIRING BRUTALITY, REYNOLDS face EXPLODES into the camera.

BRIMLEY:
OH SHI-

Before Brimley can finish, an EVIL BAND OF ASSASINS has killed everyone else. From their ranks, a leader emerges. It is VINCE SHLOMEY.

VINCE SHLOMEY:
Bwaaaa! In your face!! I killed not one, not two, but nine of your friends, Brimley!

BRIMLEY:
Shlomey! I thought you were one of us! But why?

SHLOMEY:
Because of what we're all after, Brimley. Money. Money and power. And now if you don't do exactly as I say, I'll kill your daughter.

BRIMLEY:
No, she's right he-

BRIMLEY grabs for his daughter beneath the table, but finds a TIMEBOMB instead.

BRIMLEY:
Oh my god.

SHLOMEY is AIRLIFTED OFFSCREEN by a BADASS FUCKING CHINOOK HELICOPTER, LAUGHING INSANELY the whole time.

BRIMLEY, after HURLING the timebomb into a CROWDED NEARBY BUILDING:
Dakotaaaaa! Noooooo!! You watch your back, Shlomey, and watch it often! Because soon it'll be my face staring back at you, while I kill you!!

CRANE SHOT: ZOOM OUT from BRIMLEY into THE SKY, the all-seeing, all-knowing, inscrutable SKY.


Well that's all for today. I'll post more soon.

i'll be waiting

If you truly did write this, I salute you. Highlights included Dakota Fanning laughing and DIABEETUS.

Yes, it's mine. I wouldn't steal someone else's material. Unless I thought I could get away with it, which in this case probably wouldn't happen.

trite and hackneyed

I like the COMPLETELY ARBITRARY use of CAPS

You mean like your whole life?

My wife didn't get that angle, which really disappointed me.

mention of chainmail would have worked

That may make it into the SHOCKING CLIMAX.

despite my facetious (it was supposed to be obvious with calling something using a commando angle "trite") criticism, I look forward to the remaining script

I'm not actually going to write any more of it, though.

nice 13,000th post. I will ban you, now.

You said you'd ban me last.

He lied...AAAAAAggggggggggggg

i actually banned him after that post for 5 minutes