We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

You're probably the best poet on the board, or at least the best on who actually posts his poetry, to bar the inclusion of some undiscovered talent. However, I'm not sure this poem is up to your previous self-imposed standards. The first few stanzas are nothing short of incredible, mainly because of your line breaks; this is how I wish I could break lines.

The ground hollows
at your feet there
are voices, gusts

The way there works in both the previous and the following phrase is just awesome, this is really good.

I feel like it goes on too long though, and it runs into some cliches and some repetition. "Electric sun" could definitely be better. Your first five stanzas all start off sounding the same: even though it's different words, it's the same syntax and by the "Tequila" stanza, it's tiresome. Too much "X verbs"; try varying that.

I'm really not sure if you need the wave aspect: I feel like it's beating the reader over the head a little bit and that the poem can end much sooner, but that's a choice I'll leave up to you. I will say though, that if you decide to leave it in this form, cut out the last stanza. The poem works better with that open-ended feeling.

Really, great stuff here, but I know you can do better.

We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

Did it sound mean? It wasn't supposed to sound mean. It's not bad by any means; if anyone else had posted this, it would be good enough, but your other poems show that you can do better.




This is something I'm definitely struggling with. It's hard to learn just how to balance it correctly.

We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

Ok, good. I get really self-conscious judging other people's work because I don't want to sound like a dick, but I also don't want to lie to them and tell them it's good when it isn't.

We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

I really wish I could read the original side-by-side with this one to compare. That second stanza still absolutely kills--I can't get over your line breaks. I really like the image of conversation in candlelight at the end, and I like how it feels less heavy-handed in that last stanza. The waves thing, though it is a cool image, feels a bit forced; I'm not sure if that means it needs to be rejected, but at least presented or introduced differently. Also, this is where you lose the magic of the beginning:

Wine nestles around your eyes and lips,
which in turn mimic the turning of light,
the bleeding of Caribbean blues with Myan reds.

Tequila thaws the state

The two stanzas begin to similarly, and I think you could actually do without both of them. It's nice description but I'm not sure it adds anything. And so it goes for the rest of the poem. The parts about the god and the waves are really extended, but again, how much of it contributes to the overall meaning?

I like the theme here, precisely because I'm not quite sure what it is: I feel like you're hitting on something subconscious, something more visceral than the standard "tourist out of place" or "change through time" poem. It's as if you combine the two into a really interesting sense of being lost. I think you could do this more economically though.

We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

We had the best time at your party. The wife and I thank you very much.

What's the story here?

is this about swinging?

:subscribes:

:confused:

I see what you did there.

this is odd.

This thread is a real hidden gem on RM

The Release forum is filled with some real gems.

FTFY