Anyone have any clue on this? I'm guessing his wife had their baby, because he had been alluding to the pregnancy quite a bit lately and I have a feeling it was soon.

yeah, in an article a week or so ago he mentioned that he would have a daughter in the next few weeks. I'm guessing thats why he hasn't been around.

His newest column sucked. I wrote him this long letter telling him about it. of course i made fun of baseball in 90% of the letter.

care to post it here?

it was a total rant and i didn't bother saving it

which column

todays

Todays was the one that goes into the "ESPN the Magazine". They are never up to par with the rest of his articles.

Had a chuckle this morning in the can when I read this line in his latest article about steroid use in baseball:


"Shortstops looked like soccer players one day, the Ultimate Warrior the next."


and


"Viagra spokesman Rafael Palmeiro pooh-poohing any insinuation that he would use a performance enhancer?"


brilliant.

if you sent it via email, open your email program and check your sent folder

I sent it through the espn2 Page 2 thingy at the bottom of the page. What's the big deal anyway? You guys have heard it all before.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index

There's a new daddy in town -- and his name is Bill Simmons.

So the Sports Guy is now the Sports Dad. And the Sports Gal is the Sports Mom.

OK, wait, so now the original Sports Dad is the Sports Grandad? And ... I was told before the debates began, that there would be no math. So let's move on.

The Sports Guy will be live and in person on Wednesday at noon when he chats on everything from the NBA playoffs to "The OC".

Can someone cut and paste his chat transcript here? It's on insider. Thanks in advance.

It's very long, he was on for an hour and 45 minutes.I'll break it into 2 posts.





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Ray (Rye, NY): Did you hear the Sam's in Port Chester closed down for good? Sad day.

Bill Simmons: I have the black armband on.


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JB (Shreveport, LA): Bill, love your work. Why haven't you guys at Page 2 hired Shirley yet? That guys writing is great. Also, did you expect so much reaction from the Steve Nash items you wrote?

Bill Simmons: I would love to see us hire Paul Shirley - he's pretty busy now. As for the Nash stuff, I think it's the most ridiculous MVP vote of all-time - it's unprecedented, actually. I do think the way he looks plays a factor - not just that he was white, but that he has floppy hair and scampers around, and that he looks like jackie Earle Haley. He's like the proverbial underdog out there - you notice him over anyone else. People got swayed by that I think - it's much more fun to vote for him that a 7-foot behemoth who's the most dominant player in the league. i'm going to write about this when i come back.


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Dre (Seattle, WA): Do you think that the Celtics choke job was more a result of their inability to produce under pressure or marketing by the Commish (let's face it, WAY more people would want to watch Pistons-Pacers 2)?

Bill Simmons: I thought the Celtics played terribly and had the worst coach in the playoffs. That's why they lost - they should have put the series away in 5 before Tinsley came back. At the same time, the FT differential was almost unbelievable - over the last 5 games, the Pacers shot 65 FT's, plus the Celts had 6 techinicals called on them, 1 player suspended and their best player thrown out of a do-or-die game. It was a really weird series. I want to know how a team with 1 post player and 1 jumpshooter gets 65 more FT's over the last 5 games. In G1 of Pistons-Pacers, the Pistons shot 16 more FT;s. It's crazy. Although I don't think it was a conspiracy as much as the fact that the Celts have unlikable guys on their team, and Indy has good guys (except for Jackson).


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Dave (Chicago): So is the Heat's Jones still the worst starter in the playoffs? Still feel Miami's bench is horrible?

Bill Simmons: I've been impressed by Jones AND the Miami bench, although this is basically the exhibition playoff season for SA-Phx-Mia-Det, who are clearly head and shoulders over everyone else. Denver was the 5th best team in the league and SA basically cut their hearts out. Everyone is saying that this is the worst playoffs ever, and there's no question, it's been that way so far, but I think the Conference Finals will be the Conference Finals in 12 years, since Chi-NY and Phx-Sea. So just be patient.


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Ross (Worcester,MA): Bill,How do you feel about Bronson(a.k.a. Brandon Arroyo) and the start he is off to. THey can't possible think of sending him to the bull pen.

Bill Simmons: I agree - not only is he the best pitcher on the team right now, but he's one of the best 3-4 starters in the AL. I think Wakefield will end up getting screwed here - this happens to him every 3-4 years.


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J (Iowa City): Miss you a lot, man. I know you said that you'd touch on this when you return, but I'm curious as to how you believe that the late Ralph Wiley's reponse to the MVP vote would differ from your own thoughts?

Bill Simmons: I think Ralph would have had fun with this Nash thing from February on - he was always good at taking something that had a slight racial angle to it, then blowing that angle up and making you say, "Hmmmm... maybe he has something here." But he always did it in good humor, which is what I liked about him. There's a difference between provoking people and agitating them and he was definitely a provoker. Ralph was also smart enough to know that someone who has no impact whatsoever on the defense end of a basketball court should never win the MVP under any circumstances. It's like voting a DH the A.L. MVP.


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Mark (Gilbert,AZ): Bill come on man the award is not for the most dominant player, (Shaq is without question) it is for the most valuable player. Nash is the most valuable player this year. Dont tell me the mavs got better and look how much worse the Lakers were. Dont forget the additions the Dallas added, LA didnt add anyone except the guys they picked up in the trade. Unfortunately i have a felling that 5 years down the road people will regret this decision they made for Nash and MVP, much like they do the last time a Sun's player won, Charles Barkley, funny you make mention of that being the last time their was an exciting conference finals.

Bill Simmons: Let's see: Shaq's old team won 20 less games, his new team won 20 more. Because he's on Miami, Wade was single-covered all season and ended up becoming one of the top 5 players in the league - the same thing Shaq did for Penny and Kobe. Damon Jones found a home because he gets open 3's every game. Everyone on their bench - Dooling, Anderson, Mourning, Laettner - took a discount just to play with him. Eddie Jones is playing the best hoops of his career. You think any of this is a coincidence? Nash went to a team that won 44 games 2 years ago - everyone forgets this. They sucked last year because Amare was hurt and they gave away Marbury for cap space. take that 44-win team, make Amare twice as good (which he is), make Joe Johnson twice as good (which he is), add Q and a much better bench, then give them a more unselfish PG (Nash for Marbury) and is it really a surprise that they were 15 games better than 2 years ago? Nash's old team won 6 more games than they did with him. I have to stop talking about this, it's making me crazy.


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Jim (Philly): How do you feel about Marissa being nearly raped by Ryan's brother last week on the O.C?

Bill Simmons: I think she's well on her way to being the new Kelly Taylor - she needs a drive-by shooting/amnesia plot soon.


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KSMITH (Toronto): Now that you have a daughter, will you be looking into WNBA season seats?

Bill Simmons: The WNBA will be long gone by the time my daughter is ready to go to a basketball game. WE GOT NEXT!


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EJ (Uniontown, OH): Is there any sadder sports franchise than the Cleveland Browns? How do you feel about Winslow and the whole motorcycle phenomena?

Bill Simmons: I always thought SNL should make another Bad Idea Jeans commercial where a star athlete tells his friends, "Hey, who's coming with me, I just bought a new motorycycle - I don't really know how to drive it, but I'll figure it out!"


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Pat (Chicago): This year's Real World/Road Rules challenge, your thoughts?

Bill Simmons: Delightful ... exquisite ... masterful. Thank God MTV isn't testing for steroids and human growth hormones.


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CW (Ft. Smith, AR): Who are you pulling for now that the Celtics are out?

Bill Simmons: I'm rooting for Phoenix - I like the way they play and I like their fans. They're kinda like the (old) Red Sox of basketball - every year they're competitive, and every year something happens. I'd like to see them win. A Miami-Phoenix Finals would be more exciting for me than seeing Rusty Wallace flip Tony Danza's go-cart over.


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Frank (Arlington, VA): What do you think about the idea of Clemens being traded back to Boston?

Bill Simmons: never happen - we already have like 17 starters. plus, he's a traitor.


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Danny (Silver Spring, MD): Any thougts on the Kiss Cam at ballparks. What would you do with it if you had full control for a day?

Bill Simmons: I think it's the most underrated Jumbotron tactic out there right now - I love when they put 2 guys on it and they recoil in horror. If I worked the Celtics Jumbotron, I would just keep putting it on Kendrick Perkins and Mark Blount until one of them got pissed off.


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Chris, (Memphis, TN): Must every team you cheer for have some sort of connection to Boston. I'm cheering for Phoenix, they remind me of the Red Sox. I'm cheering for the Heat, Shaq is the Tom Brady of basketball, etc, etc. Can't you just like a team, cause they're likeable,and have no connection to Boston. Come on.

Bill Simmons: When have I ever said that Shaq is the Tom Brady of basketball? That's an insult to the great Tom Brady. For instance, Shaq could never host an SNL episode.


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Chris, NY: Is Brad Pitt an idiot or genius for dumping Aniston for Jolie?

Bill Simmons: I'm leaning towards "genius."


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Chris (Cleveland): Any thoughts on P.J. Brown getting a 5ht place vote for MVP?

Bill Simmons: I'm with Barkley - I think they need to find out who makes these ridiculous votes, then revoke their license and humiliate them in some way. I didn't even know that PJ Brown was still in the league.


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Jason (LA, CA): How would you rank order your top 5 prospects for the NBA draft? Then, how would you do it if you were Elgin Baylor?

Bill Simmons: My top five:

1. Chris Paul
2. Marvin Williams
3. Anyone better than Andrew Bogut
4. Anyone better than Andrew Bogut
5. Andrew Bogut

Bill Simmons: Elgin's top-five:

1. "The little dude"
2. "The young fella"
3. "The Australian kid"
4. "The kid that's from one of those Cold War countries"
5. "Scott May."


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Eddie, Brooklyn, USA: How long before Stern pulls a Vince Macmahon and peronally show up in a Ref's uniform to sway these playoff games in the "intrest of the league"

Bill Simmons: I think it's already happened - you didn't see the Pacers-Celtics series?


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Ray (Boston): If there's a movie about the 2004-2005 NBA Playoffs, do you think Jim Carey would sign on to play rick carlisle? He would be the best casting job since Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison.

Bill Simmons: That's a good one. We could have Ron Jeremy as Stan Van Gundy, Tom Skeritt as Mike D'Antoni, Noah Emmerich as Greg Popovich, Jada Pinkett Smith as Avery Johnson and Corky from Life Goes On as Doc Rivers.


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Jeff Van Gundy ((Houston, TX)): Does the imprint from the barrel of David Stern's revolver show when I am on TV?

Bill Simmons: You can't see it - you can see the gash on the left side of your head though.


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Pete (Boston): Nice to see Bonsante get knocked out by Jesse on the Contender. Jesse is the run away star of the Contender by far. Don't you think?

Bill Simmons: See, that looked like the worst fight of them all - Bonasante looked terrible, they were just flailing away like 2 drunk guys. jesse should have knocked him out sooner. I did like the ending though. The highlight of my weekend was seeing The Contender on one of the Spanish channels out here, just to hear the guy who was dubbing Sly's voice. "Ewwwwwwww .... ahhhhhhh.... ewwwwwww... bueno.... muy fuerte.... uhhhhhhhhhhh..."


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Vancovuer, B.C.: Where do you see Phil Jackson ending up for the start of next season?

Bill Simmons: The Knicks. It's always been the Knicks. He's talking to the other teams just to drive the price up. There was NO WAY he was ever going back to the Lakers, and NO WAY he was ever living in Cleveland. He started with the Knicks, and it's the logical place for him to end up, He also knows Lebron will be there in 3 years or less.


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Nate (Indy): Please cut us Indy folks some slack. It's bad enough that the Colts can't beat the Pats because we get out-coached, despite better talent. Which, if you think about it, is exactly how the Pacers beat the Celtics. Question: How do the New Englanders regard Larry Bird now that he's back in Indiana?

Bill Simmons: Hey, I thought the Pacers did a masteful job - they really did. They deserved to win. By Game 7, they were the better team - once Tinsley and Jones were healthy enoiugh to give them something. The Celts should have put away the series early and they didn't.


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Nick Marino (Jacksonville, FL): How about Doug Flutie rejoin the Pats? I don't think I've been this excited to see a pre-season Pats game!

Bill Simmons: I'm giddy as well - even though he's my Dad's age, I'm giddy. he was right up there with larry Bird, David Letterman and Sonny Crockett for me in the mid-80's.


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Micah (Cambridge, MA): Pats vs. Colts. Spurs vs. Suns. Looks the same to me. Any thoughts?

Bill Simmons: The Spurs look fantastic... I picked the Suns before the playoffs, and I still think they can win, but the thing that's special about the Spurs is that they could score 120-130 points on any given night. What would tick me off if I was a Suns fan is Nazr Mohammed - that was a ridiculous trade at the time, and now he's a key member of the bench. If that trade happened in a roto league, it would have been protested. Someone like Isiah shouldn't be allowed to affect the playoffs like that.


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Sleaze (Washington DC): What do you make of LeBron firing his agent and replacing him with his high school buddies? Do you think this has any bearing on him leaving Cleveland anytime soon?

Bill Simmons: This is the part of the "SportsCentury: LeBron" show where Chris Fowler heads to commercial with, "It would turn out to to be the biggest mistake of LeBron's life..."


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Mike Hammer (College Station): Isiah Thomas and Doc Rivers in a coaching battle, the loser is killed (or at least banned from the NBA). Who wins?

Bill Simmons: I think Game 7 would go into at least 37 overtimes.


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MJ (Minneapolis): I heard The Jet make some intriguing comments during the Mavs/Rockets series. "Europeans don't do this well..." "Europeans can't do this.." "Europeans don't have the instincts for this..." Change the commentator to Ernie Johnson, and the word "European" to "Black" and you have front page material.

Bill Simmons: The Jet is right though - Euros are soft and they always seem to disappear in the playoffs. Nowitzki's Houston series was practically a cry for help - he had Ryan Bowen and Scott Padgett on him half the time.


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Moose (Cornish, ME): Congrats on the baby. (We're not going to be seeing a running diary of the delivery are we?) Do the Celtics re-sign 'Toine or will my favorite Celtic, Big Al, be ready to be unleashed next year?

Bill Simmons: Thank you - there will be no running diary of the delivery. I don't think the Celts will re-sign Toine or GP - I think they will sign and trade both of them for picks and/or to dump Mark Blount's contract/corpse. I think Danny will rebuild around the kids, partly because it's the right thing to do, partly because they're stuck with Doc Rivers for at least the next 2 years and it's obvious that he could never coach a successful playoff team now. I have no inside info on this - just a gut feeling. Danny is a smart dude.


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Patrick (D.C.): Is there a way for Dallas to stop Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire?

Bill Simmons: Sure: Keep Dampier and Bradley off the court, have Dirk guard Amare, go small, slow the game down and conserve possessions. Avery Johnson should figure this out by Game 4, when they're down 3-0.


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Brian (Woonsocket, RI): Bill, who do you think will win it all in Survivor? My guess is Caryn...because she is just under the radar enough to sneak it out.

Bill Simmons: Ian


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Brett (Westford, MA): Is there any chance that Pierce gets moved this offseason? I think everyone in Boston realizes it's never going to work, with him as the go to guy.

Bill Simmons: I think there's a very good chance. How far can you go with a franchise guy who's obviously a little loopy? I don't know.


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Mike (Philly): Now that you have a daughter, remember your only job in life is to KEEP HER OFF THE POLE!

Bill Simmons: Amen.


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Jon (Chicago): How ridiculous was it for the Wizards to be wearing "Round 2" Tshirts after winning the Bulls series?

Bill Simmons: On a scale of 1 to 10, it was probably an 8.5. Congratulations, it took you six games to beat a team that ran the final play of its season for Jannero Pargo.


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Aaron (Washington DC): Hey, the Wizards T shirts are nothing compared to the Whalers throwing a parade for beating the Quebec Nordiques in a best-of-5 series in 1986.

Bill Simmons: yeah, but that was Hartford - there's nothing going on in Hartford. why do you think they're happy to be the capitol of women's basketball?


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Tom (NJ): Bill, who's taking the million on the Contender? Jesse, the Snake, Alfonso, or Manfredo?

Bill Simmons: Manfredo. I think they're editing this to make it seem like his fights are closer than they really are - in the fight against Joey Gilbert, Gilbert looked like he had been in a car accident afterwards and Manfredo was barely scratched.


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Yao Ming (Houston): My name means "Moving Pick" in Chinese


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Chris (Philadelphia, PA): At one point is it OK to start feeling bad for Giambi?

Bill Simmons: Probably right around now.


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Brendan (Boston): Come on, let's gloat about how bad the Yankees are!

Bill Simmons: Nah, it's early ... let's wait until July.


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Greg(Vancouver): What happened to Lindsay Lohan, a year ago she was this fiery redhead vixen, now she looks like a blonde skeleton on PCP

Bill Simmons: Sincerely, Wilmer Valderama.


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Darren (Shelton, CT): Honestly what made you happier...seeing youg baby girl for the first time or watching the sox's win the World Series? (2 winks for the sox's)

Bill Simmons: The baby girl.

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Eric, TX: How will Bledsoe and the Cowboys do next year? Is Julius Jones worth of a 1st round roto-pick at this point?

Bill Simmons: I,m feeling 8-8, followed by my buddy Sal driving to Dallas, killing Parcells and Bledsoe and serving the mandatory prison sentence.


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Ben (Charlotte, NC): If you could replace the Commissioner of any league with Jack Bauer from 24, who would it be and why?

Bill Simmons: I'd make him the commish of baseball, just so he could scream things like "FIND ME BONDS'S URINE SAMPLE NOW!" and "TELL ME WHERE YOUR HGH TEST IS!"


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T-Bagz (Chicago): What type of cure is your favorite for a hangover?

Bill Simmons: The Euclyptis (sp?) steam bath in any casino. 20 minutes in there and you're as good as new.


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Jon (NYC): Now that you're a parent and thus can't joke about many things (especially given that you've got a daughter), are you going to become Mitch Albom?

Bill Simmons: No way - i'm not changing one iota.


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Pedro (New York): Tell Theo I'm 4-1 and leading the league in K's. Gracias.

Bill Simmons: De nada.


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Ian(Lafayette, LA): Did you see Chad Ford's mock draft? "The only think Bogut lacks is athleticism." Oh, really? That's all he's missing? Sounds like a sure-fire #1 can't miss, then. Athleticism in the NBA is HIGHLY overrated.

Bill Simmons: Chad's mock drafts are always the highlights of my spring. I have his Darko Milicic scouting report printed out and framed in my office.


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Peter Washington DC: Was the Abe/Brad Inferno the most intense, non-sporting moment in TV history? Also, where does Jamie rate on reality TV hotties?

Bill Simmons: Absolutely. I think it was the sports moment of the year so far - you could practically see the syringe sticking out of Abram's butt.


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will winston-salem, nc: why all the hating on sean may? he won't be a dominant NBA PF, but he'll give some team 12 pts, 10 boards and a couple of blocks for years. His conditioning hasn't been an issue in two years!

Bill Simmons: I agree - Sean May will be a good pro. You can either rebound or you can't. That's the bottom line. I would rather have him than Bogut.


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Elgin (LA, CA): Hey bassbowl, who do you think the Clippers should draft this year?

Bill Simmons: Elgin, forget about the draft, just make sure you re-sign Bobby Simmons.


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Ken (NYC): Bill two random thoughts... what do you think of the Detriot Pistons announcer? and how bout that Brady signing for $60M??

Bill Simmons: I'm going to answer the Pistons question - it was a cute gimmick that inadvertently started an epidemic of annoying PA announcers screaming everyone's names like they're at a tractor pull - probably the worst development of the season.


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Brian (Booneville, KY): Is Shaq got enough left in the tank to make a championship run? He looks pretty injured to me.

Bill Simmons: I agree - that's the big X-factor. it looks like he's at about 65%. That might not be enough to beat the Pistons.


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Bobby Simmons, LA CA: Bill, my long lost brother. You know I'm leaving this year, no matter how much I would like to stay. Who am I gonna end up with?

Bill Simmons: Go to the Cavs - make sure you put in a clause that you get to void the contract if LeBron leaves.


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Mark (Stamford, CT): Before you start feeling sorry for Giambi remember the 2 steroid aided HR's of Pedro in the 7th game of the 2003 ALCS

Bill Simmons: Good point.


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Pete (Ann Arbor, MI): A lot of people are critcizing the Pistons bench this year compared to last years. Do you believe that the loss of Corliss Williamson, Mehmet Okur, and Mike James is going to affect them? Isn't McDyess making up for their losses?

Bill Simmons: Absolutely - the Pistons bench is their albatross right now, they only have 6 guys total.(the starters and McDyess). Here's where the Darko pick killed them because Bosh-Carmelo-Wade could have made them a potential dynasty - instead, it was almost like when the Celtics took Lenny Bias in that the starters have to play way too many minutes now. But here's the thing: Indy can't hang with them, so they may get throught the first 2 rounds playing only 9-10 games total. Basically, they have to suck it up against Miami and Phx/SA with every starter going 40-plus, but it's only over 4 weeks. I think they can do it.


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David (Ohio): Are you going to finish up soon so I can go to lunch?

Bill Simmons: No.


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Stuart S., Hugs and Handpounds: When did I become the official gameshow host for all of ESPN? Boooyahh!


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Martin (Washington, DC): The Heat are admittedly a better a team, but don't you think the Wiz have a shot at taking at least one at home?

Bill Simmons: Yes, I think they will win Game 3.


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Ben (Monsey, NY): Bill, please stay. The Yankees are losing 5-0 while you chat. Karma!

Bill Simmons: No kidding - why do you think I havent left yet.


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Brad, Chicago: Yikes, what happened to my man Ben Gordon in Game Six? No points and lots of turnovers. That doesn't seem to bode well for the future.

Bill Simmons: That was the burning question of the playoffs that nobody really answered - what happened to him? The guy from Game 1 was totally different than the guy from Game 6.


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Matt (Atl, GA): Why all the dumping on Andrew Bogut? This guy held his own against Tim Duncan in the worlds, won the NCAA player of the year, previously won MVP at the Junior Worlds tournament and, like you said, you can either rebound or you can't and he clearly can at 12.2 rpg last season. Also, the knock on Scott May is also his athleticism along with his height. You are making Bogut sound like the next Darko Milicic or Yinka Dare.

Bill Simmons: I watched him get shoved out of bounds going for rebounds too many times in the NCAA's. What do you think will happen to him in the pros? He's going to end up like Brad Miller, only he's not nearly as tough. So what's left? I love the fact that the Hawks basically threw their season for the chance to pick him - well done.


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Dan Brennan (Co Springs, CO): It took about 8 months to hire the intern, so will it be another 8 months before he actually does some work on your site?

Bill Simmons: He's starting on Monday.


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Mikael (Hartford, CT): You've lobbied the whole Stern-for-President thing before - doesn't his handling of the referee scandal inspire the utmost confidence in you concerning his ability to do the job? "If the Speaker of the House has any interest remaining a part of this government, he'd best..."

Bill Simmons: Absolutely - nobody is better than him. I loved the Van Gundy saga because Stern's "Michael Corleone in Godfather 2" side slipped out, which rarely happens. He's the best.


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Dan (Braintree MA): Karate kid prequel about a young John Kreese ... what do you think? You could cast Nick Lachey to play him?

Bill Simmons: I think it should be a three-movie prequel along the lines of Star Wars - Kreese as an aspiring karate student in high school, followed by Kreese going to Nam and learing secrets from a Vietnamese dojo, followed by Kreese slipping to the dark side upon his return to America, when he sees everyone protesting against the war and something snaps in him. This would be EXCELLENT.


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Tom (NH): How many more loses to bad teams (Rays) will it take for Torre to be tossed out of NY? Or will it be Cashman first?

Bill Simmons: I think the Yanks have tuned him out - coaches and managers only have a shelf life of 7-8 years max, after that, you're pushing it. Look at what happened to Flip Saunders this year.


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Craig NY,NY: What do you think of TO wanting a new contract and taking a shot at McNabb? Also what's your take on Favre calling out Walker?

Bill Simmons: I think it's just like the Cassell-Sprewell and Stephen Jackson situations - when you roll the dice with a crazy me-first guy, you're rolling the dice. Maybe you get 1 good year out of him, maybe 2 years, maybe 3 months... the bottom line is that, eventually, he's going to self-destruct and kill your team.


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Matthew H. (Indiana): How about the prospect of Al Michaels and Hubie Brown calling the shots during the NBA Finals?

Bill Simmons: I was about to answer this and then I thought I heard the sound of a gun safety being clicked off behind my head.


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Gregg (NYC): who do you think the rockets will pick up in the free agency? they need another athletic wing player, a point, or a rebounding power foward

Bill Simmons: Antoine would be perfect for them, actually.


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Peter Washington DC: Are there two worse announcers than rex chapman and john thompson?

Bill Simmons: Whoops, I didn't mean to post that one. Um...


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Mike M (Queens, NY): When are we going to see you on "The Sports Reporters"?

Bill Simmons: My ears aren't big enough.


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Clint, Mansfield, Tx: i just want you to know that i skipped one of my finals just to watch this chat live.

Bill Simmons: thanks, Clint!


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Jon (Waterloo, Ontario): When's your book coming out?

Bill Simmons: October 1st.


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Curt Schilling, MA: Hey, we're an hour and twenty minutes into this chat and no one's talked about me yet.

Bill Simmons: Sorry 'bout that. Ummmm... Curt Schilling! Could be the difference when he comes back!


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John E. (Philadelphia, PA): For the movie about the NBA playoffs, don't forget Paul Giamatti as Jeff Van Gundy. . .

Bill Simmons: Good one.


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Sports Gal (LA): Bill- The baby is crying.

Bill Simmons: Uh-oh... I better go soon...


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JKL(Boston,MA): A few mock drafts have Hakim Warrick being picked at 19 right after the Celtics' pick. Is there any way the Celts pass on him? Would you move back to Boston if the Celts drafted him?

Bill Simmons: if we ended up with Hakim Warrick, I would be delighted ... I think he's going to climb into the top 12 when everything's said and done though.


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Jordan (DC): For the movie about the NBA playoffs, don't forget about Angelina Jolie's creepy brother as Jeff Foster.


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sports baby (LA): WAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Simmons: Uh-oh


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Alan (Fort Collins, CO): Who the Nuggets need to get past the Spurs/Suns next year

Bill Simmons: A 2-guard with 3-point range.


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Bill Bratzke - Green Bay: How long until a girl from Real World / Road Rules gets spit out the bottom of the porn industry, and who is your favorite to do so?

Bill Simmons: I can't believe this hasn't happened yet - these people are willing to degrade themselves for relatively small sums of money, why not just release the amateur porn tape? I think six of them should go on a giant orgy and split the profits.


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Clark (Philly): John Gulagher - any final thoughts with the Finale tomorrow?

Bill Simmons: Uhhhhh... well... i just hope, um... they... um... like the movie... and um...


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Travis Austin TX: Is it just me, or might the Spurs be turning into a potential dynasty? Duncan, Parker and Ginobilli are all young, guys like Shaq and Steve Nash won't be around forever, and their front office is easily the best in the league when it comes to finding good players that fit their system for cheap money. If I'm watching Tim Duncan in the finals 5 years from now I might hang myself with an extension cord.

Bill Simmons: You should just buy the extension cord now - the Spurs aren't going anywhere for awhile. They have a great nucleus and the best front office in the league.


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tOM ny: 5-3 Now, that's right go check on your daughter

Bill Simmons: You're right - I'm wrapping this up. Thanks for everyone who sent in questions! Sorry I was a little rusty... I practically forgot how to type during the hiatus. The column returns next week... see you then.

Best B. Simmons quote of all time:

"There should be a law in this country that whenever Matthew McCaughnahey makes a public speaking appearance, such as at an awards show or during an interview, his first words when approaching the mic must be 'Alright, alright, alright.'"

(That's probably not an exact quote, but you get the idea).

Why can't i read today's cowbell? Do i really have to sign up for Insider? This is bullshit. If somebody has insider could you please post it. Thanks

it just worked for me, no insider required. sometimes they have glitches or something. in case others are still having problems though, here you go:

By Bill Simmons
Page 2


Here's the upcoming schedule of postings: A daily dose of "Cowbell" for this week, followed by a return to a regular column schedule next week. My book is like Jason Voorhees (or even Robert Horry) – every time I think it's done, it keeps coming back. So I'm stuck doing the double duty thing again for one final week.



Just to clear up something from my hiatus, I want to apologize to everyone who wasn't able to read last week's chat. ESPN.com decided last year that all chat transcripts would immediately move to Insider … which I had forgotten about when I emerged from my fatherhood hiatus for 90 minutes to answer a few questions. It's as simple as that. I would absolutely recommend the Insider for the price (if you have the extra cash) because it's a good product and you get an ESPN The Magazine subscription with it (which many people don't realize). But some people don't have the extra cash (especially students and broke college grads), so I wanted to apologize to them for inadvertently leaving them out.



Revisiting one point from the chat: I won't be one of those writers who becomes a father and starts writing about the baby all the time. I hate those people and so do you. We named her "Janu" and that's all you really need to know.



Speaking of Janu, I'm devoting today's space to the greatest reality game show of all-time: "Survivor." I hate writing blurbs like this because twice in the last two months (with "The Contender" and "Project Greenlight") a competing TV network grabbed a similar blurb from this space and ran it on their TV ads like I was Earl Dittman or Gene Shalit. If that happens again, I'm declaring war on the show that does it. I'm not a TV critic – Stop blurbing me!!!! Plus, it makes my bosses angry – I'm going to wake up one morning with the Dooze's head in my bed. Again, to anyone working for Mark Burnett Productions, please don't blurb anything from this post or I'm throwing a Molotov cocktail into your office building.



Glad we got that settled. Now, here are three reasons why "Survivor" is the greatest reality game show of all-time:



1. It created the "Voting one person off every week" gimmick. Everyone forgets this now because at least 20,000 shows have ripped it off (and the vast majority of them were terrible). But you could make a decent case that this was one of the six most influential TV gimmicks of the last 25 years, right up there with the single-camera/no laugh track sitcom ("Larry Sanders"); MTV cops ("Miami Vice"); the real-time drama ("24," which actually ripped off the idea from the Nic Cage flick "Snake Eyes," but whatever); and men who could turn into animals to solve crimes ("Manimal" … OK, that one didn't work).



2. Unlike just about every other reality format, it hasn't gotten remotely stale. Only "The Amazing Race," "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" and "7 Lives Exposed" can say that, and I don't think any of those shows are in "Survivor's" class (with the possible exception of the last one). Just look at what happened to "The Bachelor" this season – they tried to mix things up and ended up accidentally turning it into "Elimidate." Poor Chris Harrison had the "Does anyone know if Extreme Makeover or Super Nanny is hiring?" face going from Episode 3 on.



3. Any show is going to have unsolvable flaws, especially a reality game show. But that's the crazy thing about "Survivor" – the flaws work in favor of the show and make it more fun to watch. For instance, its three biggest flaws were in full bloom this season:



A. If you're fat, lazy, unathletic and uncoordinated, this works to your advantage because the others will stupidly keep you around (only because you're not a threat to win any immunities). Last season, Chris won the whole game by playing the fat-lazy-unathletic-uncoordinated card. This season, Katie finished second. I can't emphasize this strongly enough – this drives me crazy. But in a good way. Like, I enjoy complaining about it. Seeing Katie waddle through challenges with a dumb grin on her face, going half-speed like Manny Ramirez during one of his "I don't feel like trying this week" funks, knowing she was a mortal lock for the Final Five since she was smart enough to align with the two strongest competitors … I mean, this drives me bonkers. I can't handle it. No show pushes my buttons like "Survivor" does. I think this is a good thing.


(Note: One change they could make without changing the game too much – the person who finishes last in an immunity challenge has to vote for themselves at Tribal Council. There should be some penalty, don't you think?)


B. The Alpha Dog (aka, best provider, best leader, best immunity challenger and most honorable person) always gets voted off around the Final 6 or Final 7, and only because they make the fatal mistake of trusting the Fat Lazy Unathletic Uncoordinated Group and the Chicks (who invariably end up stabbing the Alpha Dog in the back and switching alliances on him) because they're too good to know any better. This season featured an Alpha Dog (Tom the Fireman) who was smart enough to see the proverbial back stab coming, so he orchestrated a brilliant Alliance Switch to break up this year's annoying pseudo couple (Gregg and Jenn) just as they were gaining control of the tribe. As a bonus, this made it 10 times more likely that Gregg and Jenn will have to leak an amateur sex tape to make money over the next 12 months. So really, everybody wins here.



C. The format of the game depends on one shortsighted moron back-stabbing one or more close friends to make the Final Two, always forgetting that this will come back to haunt them at the final Tribal Council, as they end up losing key votes and getting skewered by a barrage of personal attacks (which always makes for great TV). Without this person, the last three or four shows of the season will unquestionably stink. That's a pretty dangerous contingency for a show, don't you think? But every season, somebody steps up and plays the role of the Shortsighted Moron.



This year's volunteer was Ian, who would have won the contest if not for two crucial mistakes: 1.) choosing Tom over his buddy Katie on the car challenge, which allowed the three chicks to remain on the island together and question his integrity; 2.) telling Katie and Jenn that he would be voting Tom off before the next immunity challenge (like that wasn't getting back to Tom – for God's sake, he was confiding in two chicks!!!!). If neither of those events happened, he would be a million dollars richer right now.



But here's another great thing about "Survivor:" Just when you think the game can't surprise you, it surprises you. After straddling an uncomfortable pole against Tom for six hours in the final immunity challenge, Ian turned down Tom's offer to go to the Final Two, waited another five hours, called Isiah Thomas on his cell phone for advice, then made the following deal with Tom: "I'll jump off right now if you forgive me for trying to stab you in the back, become my friend again and take Katie to the Final Two."



So here was Tom's choice: "Either I continue to straddle this pole, or I win a million dollars and pretend that I'll keep in touch with this dink after the show ends."



Needless to say, Tom took the deal and ended up winning the game. Still, this was fantastic TV. Who's dumber than Ian? Anybody? Who else would give up a million dollars for another man that they've known for five weeks? Didn't he watch the other episodes of "Survivor?" Did any of the winners remotely care that they lost the friendships of a few complete strangers? Isn't the goal of the game to get people to trust you, then stab them in the back? Ian ended up bowing out to keep his integrity, conveniently forgetting that he was a freaking reality game-show contestant! Just a wildly entertaining turn of events. Again, I love being driven crazy by this show, if that makes sense.



Four more notes and then I'm done:



1. I want to see another show where it's just Tom against Rob (the guy who won the first All-Stars contest and proposed to Amber) in the "Survivor All-Stars Who Always Sound A Little Bit Drunk" contest.



2. In last week's chat, I mentioned how Lindsay Lohan had joined the Jennifer Connelly All-Stars, for women who became frighteningly skinny and lost their best asset in the process (their chest). Well, here's another All-Star team for you: the Stephanie LaGrossa All-Stars, for women who look three times better when they haven't showered for a few days, haven't done their hair and aren't wearing any makeup. I actually dated someone like this in the mid-90's. Every time she wore makeup, she looked like a little kid who snuck into Mom's makeup drawer. Bizarre phenomenon. These are also the girls who look tremendous in baseball hats or football jerseys. There's no rhyme or reason to it.



3. Was anyone else bitterly disappointed that they abandoned the whole "Jeff Probst takes the final votes, hacks through the forest for seven hours, fends off two wild boars, puts together a two-seat airplane from scratch, then flies across the world and parachutes out of the plane, somehow landing right as the last 10 minutes of the final episode is starting" gimmick? Come on! That was a guaranteed mid-90s score on the Unintentional Comedy Scale every season! Why deprive us of this? I was hoping he was going to latch onto the back of a nuclear sub or something. No dice.



4. In the reunion special, Coby the Hairdresser's announcement that he adopted a baby and named her "Janu" had to have been one of the five or six funniest TV moments of the past 35 years. I keep imagining Coby's daughter asking her father 15 years from now, "Dad, why am I named Janu?" and Coby answering, "Honey, I named you after the deranged Vegas showgirl who appeared on that reality TV show with me, the one who weighed 80 pounds and looked like Medusa."

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