someone named miguel from the chicago tribune just called to inform me of the fantastic special rates they have for college students. "oh, i don't believe i'm interested in that," i said. "what's your major?" he said. i told him that i'm majoring in english, and he proceeded to inform me that the tribune is filled with all sorts of articles that will provide for interesting reading and research for me. i then said the following words to him:

"i’m sorry, but i’m quite out of time to read for leisure as i’m currently taking four literature classes. i appreciate your offer, but i’m afraid that i’ll have to decline at this time as the papers would most assuredly be left sitting on my coffee table unread and my school doesn't recycle. i'd be killing too many trees for my comfort."

why didn't i just say no and hang up the phone?

Because you're too polite. Or too lonely, so you use every chance you get to make someone talk to you.

yeah i understand your pain. i do the same thing

Wanna fuck?

I have the copyright.

"i’m sorry, but i’m quite out of time for leisure as i’m currently taking four literature classes. i appreciate your offer, but i’m afraid that i’ll have to decline at this time as i would most assuredly fall behind in my classes. i could try reading while you plowed me, but i'm sure that would be too rude for my comfort."

Deanna, just send them a poster of this:

I scream "NO! STOP IT, THAT'S MY PURSE"

Do you do anal?

You failed. The correct answer was "No."

i was being polite.

*takes notes*

just imagine they are asking if they can drive your car.


just imagine it's me. it will be easy to reject them.

"would you like a subscription to the chicago tribune?"

"no one fucking drives my car!"



also, i don't live anywhere near chicago. why do i want their paper "filled with movie times, concert listings, museum coupons and fun things to do on the weekends."?

You could probably make a nice living scalping museum coupons.

no, timoThy.

The Mormans visited me a month ago. Not only did they give me a bible, but they convinced me to let them in and talk about their religion. We talked for about an hour, as an Agnostic who has been through temple, sunday school, and 8 years of private (episc, baptist, catholic) school, nothing they could say was going to convince me of anything, but I sat and discussed and was polite. So they gave me their number, and actually set up a date to come by again, I agreed to it, why, I don't know. So they ended up coming back on that exact date at the exact time, and like a complete pussy, I hid in my room while they rang the doorbell for ten minutes.

So I thought it was over. A week later, same bat time, same bat channel, they come back, and ring the doorbell for another ten minutes. Again I hide like a puss. But now it seems they gave up. Just like my bad relationships, if you ignore them long enough, they go away. I still feel like a complete dick for not being straight up honest and saving them the time. But I did actually read the Morman bible, mostly out of guilt. And it really makes me glad that I didn't answer the door.

we used to hide from the jehovah's witnesses. they'd always come at the same time on the same day, and we'd always draw the blinds fifteen minutes prior, turn off the tv and put the dogs in the bathroom.

Or, instead of going through all that trouble, you could just open the door for two seconds and tell them to fuck off.

Yes, and we could bend them over the porch and shoot one down their spine, but I like to think that we are not complete tools.