I posted this two years ago, the the day after Bush beat Kerry. I'm bumping it too bask in the glow of kicking the shit out of the repubs yesterday. The first line can now read "once you've beat 'em, make fun of 'em!"


If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em!

a disclaimer: Keep in mind, I am merely poking fun at the "moral majority" in this little bit. I am sure that some of you conservatives don't fit these categories. Feel free to comment, rant, call me an asshole, whatever. Please also feel free to make up your own list of the basic subsets of Liberals. This is all in good fun. I'm trying to at least lighten the mood (my own anyway) from one of hate and despair to one of good-natured ribbing.

Here they are, the four basic groups:

1. The God-fearing Southerner

what and where: The God-fearing Southerner lives primarily in the Southern Bible Belt, but with the degeneration of American culture has also spread into the Midwest and the Great Plains (and with the miracle of budget air travel has even reached my precious Alaska). They procreate rapidly, and this added voting power may be why there are so many Conservatives in Washington DC. They be uneducated, and they love them some NASCAR and Toby Keith, cause they dont know no better.

how to spot: Instantly recognizable by the ridiculous accent.

AKA: White Trash


2. The Young Guy from the Suburbs

what and where: The Young Guy from the Suburbs can be found in suburban wastelands everywhere. There are also a few on the Red Mosquito board. They are usually educated. They are white. They like sports, bars, and taking advantage of drunk girls. They love the taxcuts... Beer money. Luckily, their votes are usually outnumbered by other, well-meaning, city folk.

how to spot: Hair gel

AKA: My Friend Dave


3. The Westerner

what and where: The Westerner can be found from the Mississippi all the way west until you hit the coastal cities made up of minorities and enlightened white Liberals. They make a living doing one of the following: ranching, mining, farming, stripping, or riding bulls.

how to spot: The hat, or the boots, or both

AKA: Cowboys and Cowgirls, GWB


4. The Psychotic Right-Winger

what and where: The Psychotic Right-Winger is typically either a gun nut, Klan member, Itinerant Extremist Preacher, or Ruby Ridge Compound defender. Many of them live in rural Idaho. Luckily many of their voting priveleges have been revoked due to felony convictions.

how to spot: Automatic weapons

AKA: Psychotic Right-Winger pretty much sums it up



That's all I could think of at this point. Conservatives, feel free to categorize yourself in any other group I may have overlooked. Have a lovely day.

Andy

have to admit, this gave me a chuckle. not sure where I fit in, though. I think I'm some sort of amalgam of all of the above ...

I think it's pretty foolish to allow ourselves to be labeled "liberal" or "conservative." It's also an insult to our dynamic natures as human beings.

"Each day just goes so fast. I turn around it's past. You don't get time to hang a sign on me."

I like the Westerner more than any of the others. Out of all the red states, I would live in Colorado, Wyoming, or Montana. The south is just an awful place to live for free-thinking peoples.

I agree. I think the aesthetic beauty of those places alone gives them the edge over the other red states.

aahhh come on. where's your sense of humor?

blah

You guys always claim you want the truth, but the truth hurts sometimes, doesn't it?

I'm kind of the young guy from the suburbs. But unfortunatly I get drunk and fat people take advantage of me.

Bloody hell... google image search for the simpsons Rich Texan character doesn't work.

That's pretty funny man.

Although, why so much hatred directed towards the south?

If you want those people to vote for you it seems like you'd make one or two campaign stops huh?

All of this rage is kind of funny because this was such a winable election for the democrats if they had provided a candidate that was truly worth voting for. Bush 1 didn't win re-election.

Move to the middle economically and soften the edge socially and you'll win votes. A candidate that said you know I support a womans right to privacy and I believe abortion should remain a legal medical procedure but partial birth abortion is completely wrong would win votes.

A candidate that said, I'm morally opposed to state sponsored killing because I think there are better more effective ways to deter heinous crimes such as hard labor and work detail would win votes.

I'd wager many people didn't vote for Kerry because he never seemed to be clear cut on any issue. You can't pander to everybody.

Bush did not win this election on morals. He won this election on the perception that he would stronger on terrorism. In order to win Kerry needed to convince the masses otherwise, and given the nature of hatred for George Bush and everything conservative he couldn't do that without alienating his party, thus the percieved waivering on issues.

No, Nascar loving Jesus Freaks did not win this election for George Bush like it or not, there are just as many of those people living in upstate NY and New Jersey as there are anywhere else.

Cry for a day or two then get right back out there supporting the National Park Service and preserving wetlands and the like.

The world needs liberals, whether Hannity thinks so or not.

Don't get discouraged, do what you can individually to help out the people in your community who need it.

Don't I know it! SC is worse than you can imagine.

that was funny.

and so true.

That's where DeMint is, right? I saw him on Meet the Press or one of those shows a few weeks ago. He's insane! I could not believe that guy got elected. The woman who ran against him wasn't liberal-seeming or anything either. My god, I lost faith in humanity when I saw those results.

hey! some say my accents cute!

it sho as hell is!!!

The accent gets cuter and cuter depending on how low-cut your shirt is, how sexy your smile is, and how much you really truly love Pearl Jam.

Many excellent points in this post.

But still, far too serious for this thread!