Smile

A child’s impish smile
Fed and fattened on
Dinner at six and tales
At nine,

Belies,
The pallid eyes

That crumble like broken
Ends of discarded chalk

As a morose, angular
Apparition with ornery
Hands and cavernous
Lips sifts through

Warped metal
And shattered glass
Like a vagabond

Lost in wisps
Of an ethereal
Fog.

-JW

i think it needs some word economy, and the phrasings are distracting they dont flow... i think you should use less obscure words... overall i'm not getting a mood or a feeling from the poem, even if you don't understand a poem usually the feeling or mood is communicated no matter what

that's my feedback...

i really enjoyed the chalk line, though i would perfer it as a metaphor

I was going for a fairly dark theme, thats the assigment for poetry class this week. So I'm attempting to create the image of death working his way through a wreck, collecting the fading souls while a child, innocent, lacks the ability to understand what is occuring around him

well i think the concepts great i think you made it more about the form and vocabulary... i think it looses a lot of itself through delivery