Saturday night Mrs. AS and I trotted over to Chop Suey and saw Ben Lee with opening act New Buffalo.

To say that this was the worst show I've ever seen would be a compliment to Ben Lee and the one woman who monikers herself as "New Buffalo" for some dumb fucking reason, perhaps to confuse and mislead potential or existing stalkers.

The evening began with Mrs AS and I getting in a stupid fight over what time to leave for the show. I won! Woohoo! 1-0 AS!

We drive up to Capital Hill, park a few blocks away and walk in at about 9:00. Doors were at 8 and people were still in line getting walk-up tickets. Sorry, but anytime tickets are available at the door at a venue that holds 300 people tops is a bad sign.

As we're trying to get into the club, a good dozen were trying to leave and I almost got trampled by this hipster-queer-asian 17 year old kid. He even sassed me. Asshole. Should have been another sign, people are leaving and the bands haven't even started. RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!!!

As I said, the doors were at 8 and it was around 9 and no band had hit the stage yet. I pound 3 T&T's quickly and we stand near the stage, waiting. Waiting. Waiting...

Finally around 9:45 this single woman comes out on stage and hits a few switches on her keyboard and some music starts. She sings quietly, no one stops talking. Song ends, repeat. Song ends, repeat. Song ends OH! She picks up a guitar! I couldn't hear a word she said, but she had this vacant sort of "I'm troubled by something random and not really significant" look in her eyes.

About 5-6 songs in, she begins to try to interact with the crowd by saying "It's really hard to sing with everyone talking". I laughed heartily and drank my beer, waiting for something interesting to happen. It never does. No one is paying any attention to her.

During her set, Mrs. AS asks me "Have you ever yelled 'You suck' at a show before?" "No" "Do it! She sucks!" I bear down and show respect though.

Her set mercifully ended and I now got to observe the make-out couple in front of me, fucking inhaling each other's faces. I immediately compared them to the oblivious couple in the video to "Paradise City" that are doing the same amongst the mayhem.

Other faces in the crowd include a 50-ish woman sitting on the edge of the stage listening to her iPod, 3 late 20ish Asian guys dressed like it's Night at the Roxbury or some shit, and at the other end of the stage....I swear to christ it's Newman from Seinfeld but younger and fatter.

Roxbury guys spent the majority of the next hour deliberately bumping into the women around them, and getting their faces screamed down instantly. As soon as the women stopped berating them, the guys are all muttering "Skank" under their breath and shit. I laugh my ass off each time the blonde girl tells the guy to fuck off or she'll kick his ass herself.

So I'm pretty unfamiliar with Ben Lee. Mrs. AS likes his single that's been around the radio for a few months "The Way I Like It" or whatever it's called. She got tickets as an excuse for a night out, it had been a while since we'd gone to a club show, you know? Even she was ready to leave before Ben Lee took the stage.

In preparation for Mr. Lee's grand entrance to the stage a couple guys come out and tie shitloads of carnations, daisies and other flowers to all the microphone stands. I laugh again, Mrs AS laughs, and tried to explain that his album cover has flowers on it. OK then, this is hella...HELLA gay I remark.

So Lee comes out and looks like he's a graduate of sensitive poet indie boy school. His hair dishelveled and curly, wearing an argyle polo shirt and a thin tan blazer over it. He grins happily and stupidly at the crowd, like he's in awe that 200 people arrived to see his silly ass.

2nd song in, this is where I really started to lose it. They're playing one of his tender-shittily written pop-folk songs, and his guitar player is just lost in his one note solo. Ben Lee walks over to him, reaches into said jacket pockets, and pours handfuls of rose petals over the guitar player as the song reaches a crescendo. I almost shit myself laughing.

Meanwhile, after nearly every song, Roxbury #1 (the alpha) is all like "Man, this is the shit! Yeah! YES!!!" I mean holy shit was he enjoying this show. This show made James Taylor look like Waylon Jennings for crying out loud. My freaking mother would have thought it was sappy bullshit.

Makeout couple has not relented. It seems as if Ben Lee has channeled their 22year old hormones and decided that they're going to lip-fuck for 2 hours tonight in front of us all. Newman is side-stage salivating at the keyboard player, who looks all of 12 years old.

He sang some song he said he wrote when he was 14, and I'm positive I wrote better ones at that age. It was all about how much he loves his guitar and how awesome it is and how it writes awesome songs and was fucking embarrassing to the instrument itself.

During another song, Mr Lee pulls out more handfuls of roses and dumps them all over himself while fucking spinning slowly in circles and ever-so-slowly closing his eyes and looking heavenwards. This shit could have been a Napoleon Dynamite outtake it was so ridiculous.

Mercifully, Mrs AS says "We can go anytime" and I grab her and run.

I decide to take a piss before we leave and head into the men's room. There's a short line, and just 2 urinals and 1 stall. As a guy walks into the stall, he looks back at the rest of us waiting really fucking nervously and closes the door, then fumbles with the latch for like 2 minutes trying desperately to get it to close so we don't witness him peeing. The guy in front of me expoloded into laughter, which led to us yelling at the guy asking if he had performance anxiety or something.

After the potty break I find Mrs AS and as if on cue, his little hit ditty begins. We listen, it's really not a bad song at all, pretty catchy and summery. As soon as it ends, we exit quickly and make our way to Big Macs and french fries.

I wanted to find the worst show thread and add this, but I'm lazy and this deserved more space.

Dude, you should start a blog. I'd read it.

I'll take PayPal donations to go to more shitty shows.

Haha, that is kind of a lame stage show, Mr. Lee.

Just LOOK at this imp!

He looks like a cross between Screech and Art Garfunkel.

he was going out with Claire Danes for years

Jeeezus...

he plays golf better than he sings

Ben Lee is awful.

j.

so... Mrs AS talked you into this?

So I don't get it... what's not to like?

It's good that you didn't say that. Only the biggest assholes in the clubs say stupid stuff like that.
You should book tickets for QoTSA.

In defense of Mrs AS, she was only looking for a night out and is a fan only of that single that he had out, which is pretty good...admittedly.

thanks for the laugh eric

*imagines that dude pouring rose petals onto himself*

Yeah, even if it's the worst band you've even seen you can just head over to the bar until they're done. Although if anyone deserved a "you suck!", this guy would be high on the list.

This was the best part of the show for you, huh?


TS Ed

PS. Don't start a blog.

I'll cut you.

i've got you beat AS....

i saw the blood brothers on sunday night.