Peter: Don't worry, Lois, I know how to handle this. I read a book about this once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?

Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Yeah, uh...I'm looking for toilet training books.

Salesman: Oh yes, we can help you there. Uh, Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You.

Peter: Huh...well...see...we're Catholic, so uh...

Salesman: Oh, then you want You're A Naughty Child And That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out The Back Of You.

Peter: Perfect!

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.


Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.


Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.


Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!


Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.

Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin: I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.

Peter - I know a guy who bought a car out of the newspaper once and six years later...BAM!!! Syphilis!

Also...

Peter - How am i ever gonna get $50,000?
Quagmire - Well, you could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for $50 bucks each. Or fifty REALY fat chicks for $1000 bucks each...What?...Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta pay.

Brian - Peter, only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter - No the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian - I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter - Why wasn't I told?
Brian - They sent you a card but it said 'For Peter' on it so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh, you know it's just easier to call you stupid.

Peter: Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois: No
*pushes her down stairs*

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...

Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

peter: greg allman, what did u do in times like these

greg allman: I did a lot of drugs and married cher, and i wouldnt suggest doing either of them





man: whats your name?
peter: (looks at pea) pe-(looks at woman crying)-tear (see's griffen fly into room) griffin. peter griffin

Stewie - Cut my peas. That's right. Now cut my milk .

Its egg. Not peas.


Sheesh...



here's mine:

Stewie: WAKEY WAKEY WORTHLESS DOMESTIC!!!!

i say this to my girlfriend all the time...she hates it

I don't have the dvd playing at the moment so this will be from memory:

Cleveland: Why don't you try sucking the fat out of him?
Peter: If you can find a hole on the boy you want to put your lips on go ahead.

I totally butchered that one, but it's the episode where Chris wants to lose weight and Peter ends up getting plastic surgery. Someone should put up the actual quote.

This one is great. I bought the car Im driving now out of the newpaper. I hope this doesnt happen to me.

D'oh!!

lois: oh no
chris: oh no
meg: oh no
kool-aide man: OOOOOOOH YEAAAA

Peter: Hey Brian, if all cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
Brian: That's very good, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter: No, I got to bed around 2, 2:30.

Cleveland: I haven't seen this kind of pandemonium since ridiculous day at the deli.... when prices were so low, they were ridiculous

Tom Tucker - Would you consider growing a mustache?
Interviewee - I...I guess so.
Tom Tucker - Look at my mustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Interviewee - I...I don't know.
Tom Tucker - Wrong! The correct answer is only slightly... only slightly.

You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!

Peter: Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.

Lois: Peter, you know I hate beards ...

Peter: No no Lois, it's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Cuz ... cuz of all the magic tricks?



Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.