(Sketch opens in a police station.) First Sergeant: (behind station counter into camera) Goodnight.
(Camera pulls back to show a man standing in front of the counter.)
Man: Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Speak up please, sir.
Man: I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: I can't hear you, sir.
Man: (bellowing) I wish to report a burglary!
First Sergeant: That's a little bit too loud. Can you say it just a little less loud than that?
Man: (a little 1ouder than normal) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: No... I'm still not getting anything... Er, could you try it in a higher register?
Man: What do you mean in a higher register?
First Sergeant: What?
Man: (in a high-pitched voice) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Ahl That's it, hang on a moment. (gets out pencil and paper) Now a little bit Iouder.
Man: (louder and more.. high pitched) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Report a what?
Man: (by now a ridiculously high-pitched squeak) Burglary!
First Sergeant: That's the exact frequency... now keep it there.
(Another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter.)
Second Sergeant: (in high-pitched voice) Hello, sarge!
First Sergeant: (in very deep voice) Evening Charlie.
(The second sergeant is taking his coat off, and the first one begins to pack up his papers. The man carries on with his tale of woe, but still in a high-pitched shriek.)
Man: I was sitting at home with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen.
First Sergeant: WeB, I'm afraid I'm going off duty now sir. Er, could you tell
First Sergeant: Foster ....
(He leaves counter first Sergeant Foster comes forward with a helpful smile)
Man: (continues in high-pitched shriek) I was sitting at home with a friend of mine.
Second Sergeant: Excuse me sir, but, eri why the funny voice?
Man: (normal voice) Oh, terribly sorry. I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
Second Sergeant: I'm terribly sorry... I can't hear you, sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?
Man: What! Oh (in a very deep voice) I wish to report the loss of £5,000.
Second Sergeant: £5,000.? That's serious, you'd better speak to the detective inspector.
(At that moment, via the miracle of cueing, the detective inspector comes out of his office.)
Inspector: (in very slow deep voice) What's the trouble, sergeant?
Second Sergeant: (speaking at fantastic speed) Well-this-gentleman-sir-has- just-come-in-to-report-that-he-was-sitting-at-home-with-a-friend-when -he -heard -a-noise -in-the-backroom- went-round -to - investigate-and-found-that-£5,000-in-savings-had-been-stolen.
Inspector: (deep voice) I see. (turns to man and addresses him in normal voice) Where do you live sir?
(The detective inspector has been straining to hear but has failed. The second sergeant comes in helpfully)
Second Sergeant: (fast) 121, Halliwell-Road-Dulwich-SE21
Inspector: (squeak) Another Halliwell Road job eh, sergeant?
First Sergeant: (fast) Yes-I-can't-believe-it-I-thought-the-bloke-who'd- done -that-was-put-inside -last-year.
Second Sergeant: (squeak) Yes, in Parkhurst.
First Sergeant: (deep) Well it must have been somebody else.
Inspector: (very deep) Thank you, sergeant. (normal voice to man) We'll get things moving right away, sir. (he picks up phone and dials, at the same time he shrieks in high voice to the tint sergeant) You take over here, sergeant (very deep voice to the second sergeant) Alert all squad cars in the area. (ridiculous sing-song voice into phone) Ha-allo Dar-ling, I'm afra-ID I sh-A-ll BE L-ate H-O-me this evening.
(Meanwhile the second sergeant has a radio-controlled microphone and is singing down it in fine operatic tenor.)
Second Sergeant: (singing) Calling all squad cars in the area...
(Cut to vox pops.)
Lovely Girl: (in deep male voice, dubbed on) I think that's in very bad taste.
Pig: (meows)
Giraffe: (barks)
President Nixon: (superimposed sheep bleating)
Upperclass Twit: Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FINAL OF THE HIDE-AND-SEEK SECOND LEO'
(Zoom in on commentator and the two finalists, forty-year-old men limbering up in shorts and singlets.)
Comentator: Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders.
(We see Don Roberts and Francisco Huron standing side by side, poised, looking nervous.)
Starter: (voice over) On your marks... get set...
The starter fires his pistol. Francisco Huron immediately puts his hands over eyes and starts counting.)
Commentator: Well Don off to a really great start there. Remember the Paraguayan has got l1 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours... (cut to taxi on the way to London airport) 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.
(Cut back to Frandsco still counting.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '998, 999, 1000'
Francisco: Neuvecian no nuevetay ocho, nuevecientas nuevente ye nueve, mil. (Francisco takes his hands from his eyes and shouts) Coming!
(He starts looking around the immediate locality suspiciously. We see a plane landing. There is a sign saying 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Cut to Don on a bicycle. Then running up a hill. Then going into castle. Running along corridors and eventually pausing, looking around agitatedly, and then hiding behind a pillar. Occasionally he looks out nervously. Then cut to Francisco looking in shops in the Tottenham Court Road. Cut to studio 'Sportsview' desk with a Frank Bough man at it.)
Frank Bough: Well, we'll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.
CAPTION: 'SIX YEARS LATER'
(Cut back to desk. Frank Bough looks older.)
Frank Bough: We've just heard that something is happening in the Hide-and-Seek final, so let's go straight over there.
(Cut to film of Francisco Huron. He is wandering around looking for Don. Roberts in a beach setting. The commentator is some way from him. He speaks quietly into a microphone.)
Comentator: Hello again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts. And I've just been told that he has been told that he has been unofficially described as 'cold'. Ah, wait a minute. (in the distance Francisco Huron consults with an official; the commentator moves out of shot briefly, then returns) I've just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket for Budapest! So he's definitely getting warmer. So we'll be back again in just a few years.
(Cut to Frank Bough looking older. He is covered with cobwebs.)
Frank Bough: Really beginning to hot up now.
CAPTION: 'FIVE YEARS, TWO MONTHS AND TWENTY-SIX DAYS LATER'
(Cut to a Portuguese-looking setting. Francisco Huron looking round desperately and glancing at his watch.)
Commentator: So here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final. Huron now has less than twelve hours left to find British ace Don Roberts. Early this morning he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus valley. But Roberts is over fifteen hundred miles away, and it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting. The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this sefior of seek, perspicacious Paraguayan. He's still desperately cold and it's beginning to look like another gold for Britain.
(The camera shows Huron creeping up on a dustbin. He pauses, snatches off the lid and looks inside. He turns away disappointed then does double take and looks back into the bin. He pulls out a sardine tin with the word 'Sardines' very obvious. Shot of Huron's reaction as he suddenly gets a tremendous idea. He snaps his fingers and hails a taxi and gets in. Cut to plane landing. Same sign as before 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Francisco cycles past. Cut to him discarding the bike and running up the hill straight into the castle. He runs along corridors into the right room, up to the pillar and finds Don Roberrs sulking behind. They both look very tense as they await the official result, then react in fury and frustration when it is announced by a blazered offical.)
Official: The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek, Mr Don Roberrs from Hinckley, Leicestershire, 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. Mr Francisco Huron, Paraguay, 11 years, a months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. The result - a tie.
Voice Over: A tie! Well what a fantastic result. Well the replay will start tomorrow at 7.30 a.m.
(As they stand there the camera pans off them to a window and then zooms through the window to reveal a beach where there is a Redcoat.)
Redcoat: Well hello again .... nice to be back ... glad to see the series has been doing well. Well now, sorry about Mon-trerx.
(At this point two men run past in the background carrying.a donkey. A third runs behind carrying a sign saying 'Donkey Rides' and winking and pointing at the donkey, they run out of picture.)
Redcoat: That was a little item entitled Hide-and-Seek - very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but very nice for the younger people. Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a sitting room. Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of 'Clothmerle'...
(He is hit by Mr Robinson with a chicken. Robinson walks away and we follow him as he passes Badger in the foreground.)
Badger: This is a totally free interruption and no money has exchanged hands whatever.
(The camera doesn't pause at all on Badger and we continue panning with Robinson until he reaches the knight in amour. He hands the chicken to the knight. He walks away from knight and into the distance.)
_________________
denverapolis wrote:
it's a confirmed fact that orangutans are nature's ninja.
"...there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus."
_________________ If animal trapped call 410-844-6286, then hit option 1123 6536 5321, then dial 4 8 15 16 23 42
10) Sit on my Face and Tell me that you Love me
9) (I have no clue what it's called) [how to choose an effective hiding spot]
Philosopher Football
7) The Argument Clinic
6) The Lumberjack Song
5) spam spam spam spam
4) Ministry of Silly Walks
3) News Report: The Granny Snatchers
2) The Cheese Shop
1) The Dead Parrot Sketch (instant reccord collection version)
_________________ Will myself to find a home... a home within myself...
Joined: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:04 pm Posts: 5300 Location: upstate NY Gender: Male
Not my favorite but worth a mention:
Man: Officer?
Policeman: Yes?
Man: I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on that bench over there, and dozed off for a while, and when I woke up I found my wallet gone and 500 pounds to be stolen.
Policeman: Well, uh, did you see anyone around, anyone at all...?
Man: No, none at all, that's the trouble.
Policeman: Well, I'm afraid there's not much we can do about that, sir.
[long pause]
Man: You wanna go home to my place?
[another pause]
Policeman: Yeah, all right.
Joined: Sun Oct 17, 2004 7:19 pm Posts: 39068 Location: Chapel Hill, NC, USA Gender: Male
I think this is tiny enough to be safe.
_________________ "Though some may think there should be a separation between art/music and politics, it should be reinforced that art can be a form of nonviolent protest." - e.v.
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frank
